This was Boris Johnson’s ideal day out in the Commons. For someone whose whole life seems to have been spent trying to explain his way out of awkward situations, the prime minister is notably averse to confrontation and passing on bad news. He is the country’s Mr Fun. The Cheerer-Upper in Chief. The Mr Motivator who lets the good times roll.
So a statement on relaxing many of the country’s lockdown rules was just up his street. After more than three months of more or less solitary confinement, England – Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales are following a more cautious approach – was more or less open for business again. Households could meet, shagging could resume. The Boris bonus. Pubs and restaurants would be back in business after a fashion – Boris was a little hazy on the details – as would hairdressers and some campsites and outdoor attractions. Boom times for model villages. “The long national hibernation is over,” he declared, looking rather more priapic – no greater love hath any man than Boris for himself – than he has in recent weeks. And even though he was at pains to urge caution in following his approach, as the virus was an opportunistic bugger – it takes one to know one – he was still unable to contain his optimism and general bonhomie. This was a day of national celebration, not one for the gloomsters and doomsters. In reply, Keir Starmer broadly welcomed the easing of the restrictions, though he did say it would be handy to see all the scientific evidence on which it was based and for the track-and-trace system to be working rather more effectively. Starmer also confirmed that it was safe for some children to go back to school now – something he could have said last week and saved himself some grief – which allowed Boris to break off from acting like the Special One and score a few petty party political points. He also claimed there was no country in the world that had an effective track-and-trace app, something with which several countries would disagree. But then, a liar is going to lie.
This was rather the point of the rest of the debate. Trust me, said Boris. I know I have lied about a lot of things in the past, but I am telling the truth this time. And a surprisingly large number of MPs were prepared to take him at his word. Their constituents were getting fed up with lockdown, businesses were going under and with the infection rate apparently falling then it was time to give people and the economy a break. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life is a catchy number. Not everyone went home happy, though. Liberal Democrat Ed Davey wondered if since we were firmly on the road to recovery, now would be a good time to have a national inquiry into what had gone wrong and why the UK had one of the highest mortality rates in the world. Boris shook his head. Tory Greg Clark wanted to know if cricket could also return. “No,” said Boris, firmly. Because it was played with a ball. Unlike football, which started up a week ago. Even when he’s trying to be serious, Boris can’t help but sound like someone who is making up policy on the hoof. As if to underline the fact that relentless cheerfulness was to be the order of the day, within minutes of ending his statement, Boris declared that from tomorrow there would be no more daily Downing Street press conferences. The virus was now under control and Britain was getting back to normal, so why should he or other members of the cabinet be subjected to tricky questions from the public and the media?
The season’s Downing Street finale ended as the first episode had opened, with Boris flanked by Chris Whitty and Patrick Vallance. The prime minister was rather more subdued without a live audience, but his message was essentially the same. Thanks to the resolve of the British public, not to mention the Herculean efforts of the government, only 60,000 people had died and it was now time for the survivors to start concentrating on living again. The chief medical officer and chief scientific adviser were noticeably much more guarded. They have both long since tired of being used as human shields for the government’s incompetence and weren’t going to make that mistake again. All they had done was spell out the risks; it had been the politicians who had taken the decisions. It had been their assessment that if everyone acted entirely as they should and took proper precautions, then the risks of being 1 metre apart would be much the same as at 2 metres. But the chances of everyone behaving responsibly – especially when pissed – were just about zero and so we would definitely be in for an increase in infections. The longer the briefing went on, the more socially distanced Whitty and Vallance became from the prime minister. Had it gone on much longer, there would have been a fair chance they would have reversed their tacit endorsement of the end of lockdown and shouted: “Don’t trust him. He’s not worth it.” The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg asked if the prime minister would accept responsibility if everything went tits up and rates of infections and deaths increased significantly. Of course he would, Boris insisted. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.