Just as Boris Johnson was trying to scrub out the stain from the £9.6K sofa – that extra glass of wine the previous night had probably not been his best idea – before Carrie caught sight of it, Nadhim Zahawi made his way into the BBC’s Today studio. The vaccines minister was not in the best of moods. Why had he, of all people, been sent out to be the fall-guy for the prime minister’s unusual financial arrangements? It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t someone more senior such as Dominic Raab or Priti Patel be forced to do some of the hard graft from time to time? No one had seen either of them for days. If not weeks. Zahawi shrugged, aware that he had just answered his own question. He had been chosen precisely because he was dispensable. So there was nothing to be done but to suck it up and hope that he survived the interview without taking too much damage.
The BBC’s Mishal Husain didn’t waste time on pleasantries and went straight in on Christopher Geidt, the new independent adviser on ministers’ interests. How could we be sure that he wouldn’t end up being as much of a toothless waste of space as his predecessor, Alex Allan. That was a very unfair characterisation of a man who had been appointed specifically so the prime minister could ignore him, Zahawi said. The reality was that the fewer powers Geidt had, the more powerful he would be seen to be. Dialectics in action. It was like this, Zahawi said: the new adviser would graciously be allowed to originate an inquiry and the prime minister might or might not take any notice of his findings. It all depended on what those findings were. If Boris liked them they would be published; if not they would be put through the shredder. What people had to remember was all that anyone wanted to know was that the taxpayer had not been asked to fork out for the refurb. And if somehow the original invoices had gone missing then it was probably the fault of officials in No 10 rather than Boris. In any case, the prime minister had now maxed out all his credit cards to cover the costs of the high-end tat, so where was the problem? “Can we please now talk about the local elections that are coming up in just seven days time?” Zahawi begged. We couldn’t because by now Husain was as confused as everyone else. Allan had resigned because Boris took no account of his findings into the Priti Patel bullying inquiry: so was the minister now saying that Johnson was a reformed character and would now be taking seriously people who were paid to be ignored? Zahawi struggled on, desperately trying to remember what it was that he had just said. The prime minister obviously wouldn’t be able to accept Geidt ruling him to have broken the ministerial code. Because only the prime minister could decide what was and wasn’t allowable under the code and Boris had already investigated himself and found that he definitely hadn’t broken the ministerial code. So that should save Geidt a bit of time. What Johnson was prepared to do was to make a few extra declarations if the adviser deemed them to be necessary. What sort of declarations might these be? Husain asked, desperately trying to drag the radio programme back through the right side of the looking-glass. Oh, you know, Zahawi said airily, THINGS. Such as that Boris had always intended to pay for the soft furnishings. The minister seemed unaware that he had just made the prime minister sound like a shoplifter who had offered to pay for the wallpaper after being collared on the way out with the rolls tucked inside his coat. It was certainly one way of ensuring neither the taxpayer nor the Tory party were out of pocket. Husain gave Zahawi an encouraging smile. At least he wasn’t doing as badly as Grant Shapps the previous day, who had suggested that Lord Brownlow might have stepped in to loan Boris the £58K to protect Downing Street from falling to pieces. Without the soft furnishings, No 11 would long since have become a pile of rubble. It’s clearly just an oversight that Lulu Lytle hasn’t been roped in to oversee the building works in parliament. But there was still time for one last dig. What was wrong with John Lewis? This was the killer question. Boris might survive any amount of financial sharp practice but his “man of the people” act couldn’t survive him being seen to be too posh for John Lewis. Zahawi broke into a sweat and stuttered. Couldn’t he now talk about vaccines? Husain graciously obliged. Even so, Zahawi left the studio a broken man. Thank God, parliament was being prorogued until 11 May. At least now he would have the best part of two weeks to recover.