It was all as clear as mud. There was plenty of outrage – of course there was: there always is when MPs have plenty of time on their hands. Politicians are always happy to fill the vacuum in government with outrage. Outrage that China had allegedly set up a top operative to spy on both Alicia Kearns and the security minister, Tom Tugendhat. Outrage that China had so little respect for the UK that it allegedly only bothered to send one of its wet-behind-the-ears interns to spy on parliament. Outrage that the spy might not even be a spy. He has yet to be charged with any offence after being arrested in March. He says he is completely innocent. Allegedly this sketch could not be written without a liberal sprinkling of the word allegedly. Section 1.1.B of the 1911 Official Secrets Act says that any person who makes a sketch that might be indirectly useful to an enemy shall be guilty of felony. So really the only way forward is to try to write a sketch that only has UK interests at heart. Consider it done. Allegedly. Here’s what we know so far. We have an alleged spy who cannot be named whose name everyone knows because one paper has decided to make it public. An alleged spy who insists through his lawyer that he isn’t a spy. Just someone with an interest in what Tory politicians think about China. There again you wouldn’t expect a spy to admit he was a spy. Or maybe he was a spy who didn’t even know he was a spy. Just a useful idiot. It’s all most confusing. Think about it. Why on earth would the Chinese want to expend espionage resources on finding out what Kearns and Tugendhat thought about the Chinese? Neither have been exactly secretive about their views on China. Or anything else. If you want to know what they think, you only have to phone them. Most political hacks have both of them on speed dial. Failing that you could just listen to them on the news programmes. They are two of the most gobby MPs in Westminster. If the Chinese were serious about their intelligence gathering, they would be trying to find out what some of the more obscure Tory backbenchers think about them. The MPs who are seldom seen in Westminster and almost never say a word about anything. Maybe Beijing could do us all a favour and try and find out if there is any sign of intelligent life in these MPs. None has been detected so far. Then maybe the Chinese are just more diligent than we are in their intelligence gathering. No detail too small. Just don’t mention our own spies reporting back on China. On issues of national security, nuance is never welcomed. Back to the Commons where the Speaker, Lindsay Hoyle, opened proceedings with his own statement. More of a warning. MPs were reminded that the police investigations were still ongoing and nothing should be said that might prejudice them. Nor should the house discuss security issues. Rather ruling out MPs discussing almost everything to do with the case. Which made one wonder why Hoyle had allowed a ministerial statement later in the afternoon. But Kearns, Tugendhat and Iain Duncan Smith, the Tories’ self-elected leader of the China hawks, all nodded seriously before leaving the chamber. Presumably to report back to their handlers. Allegedly. Still, if you want a government minister to make a statement on spying in which almost nothing of interest or relevance is said, then Oliver Dowden is your man. The deputy prime minister is a man genetically coded to fill blank space with dead air. So wet he has to be escorted by a bucket. Um, it was all very difficult, he said, sounding like a deadbeat end of the pier entertainer whose time had never come. So he wanted to apologise for saying nothing. But he did want everyone to know he took the China threat very seriously. Which is why he had banned TikTok. If only Grant Shapps would take him seriously enough to stop using it. So the UK had warned China to behave itself. That it took a very dim view of spying. But please, please can we carry on trading. And by the way we will be sending our one aircraft carrier to the Pacific in two years time. For cosmetic purposes. The Chinese will be terrified. Labour’s Yvette Cooper sounded somewhat sceptical. Was this it? Labour viewed national security as a cross-party issue but would quite like the Tories to up their game. Had Rishi Sunak and James Cleverly raised this case in their dealings with the Chinese before the story broke at the weekend? Er, yes they had, mumbled Dowden. Just rather quietly. This was the way international diplomacy worked when you were the smaller nation wanting something. Realpolitik. The rest of the session was something of a pile on from Tories unwilling to accept the new world order. Julian Lewis, chair of the international security committee, wondered if the government had been a little previous in dismissing his report as out of date. Liz Truss made a rare appearance to declare that China should be denounced as the biggest threat to the world order. There again, the 49-day prime minister had once said the same thing about France and the EU. It’s hard to take anything she says seriously these days. Even Dominic Raab made an appearance. Looking very suntanned. Presumably he has found a sea and a beach that were open. He was seething that China was a bigger bully than him. Though his speech made no sense to anyone. IDS wanted sanctions against the Chinese. Tim Loughton just wanted everyone to know that if there was a hero to be found in this sorry saga, it was him. He alone had put his life on the line for freedom. Kearns just remained silent. The tragic victim in all this. There was time for comic relief. Cue Labour’s Barry Gardiner trying to explain how the Chinese woman who had paid him £500,000 for doing apparently nothing had never been charged for anything. She was a free woman and he was a free man. Cue Tory Matt Warman declaring that Dowden was actually the hero. Imagine. Our entire national security depending on Olly. The man not afraid to stand up to China. Well. Only a bit. Make that a lot. Allegedly.