Time can play tricks. But some of us can distinctly recall Boris Johnson and Michael Gove reassuring the country back in 2016 that not only would the UK retain access to the single market after Brexit, but that we’d also end up with a better deal. So it was somewhat disconcerting to hear the chancellor of the duchy of Lancaster making a statement, outlining the government’s exciting £705m “let’s get going” advertising campaign, in which he basically told the Commons that everything we now got for free and with no hassle was about to get a whole lot more expensive and time-consuming. Not that Gove put his argument in those terms. Then there are few cabinet ministers more adept at reframing acts of deliberate self-harm as public service announcements. You might think that leaving it until five and a half months before the UK leaves the EU – especially at a time when the full impacts of coronavirus on the economy have yet to be determined – might be a little late in the day for the government to be finally getting round to working out the bare outline of its customs and trading Brexit infrastructures. But for the Govester, such last-minute planning is merely a sign of how well he has things under control. Everything was going to be just great, Gove insisted. Because when you really thought about it, building lorry parks, recruiting 50,000 customs officers, installing a new IT system, making travel insurance more expensive, paying more for data roaming charges and creating a load more red tape for business was just a minor variation on frictionless trade and borders. People had actually got fed up with how easy it had been to get both themselves and their goods into other EU countries. Where was the fun in overseas travel if you didn’t get to moan and blame the delays on Johnny Foreigner? Rachel Reeves, Gove’s counterpart on the Labour frontbench, appeared almost bemused by his apparent nonchalance. This was an oven-ready meal without any ingredients. Or even an oven. It’s also come to something when Labour gets to cite Liz Truss as evidence for the prosecution. But as Reeves observed, if someone as notoriously dim as the minister for international trade has noticed that the government’s current arrangements are open to challenge from the World Trade Organization, lack the necessary infrastructure at ports and could make the UK a centre for international smuggling, then there must be major problems. It just wasn’t happening, Reeves shrugged. There was still no guidance on customs procedures for Northern Ireland, 400m customs declarations at £34 a pop was a serious waste of time and money, and since when had any government IT system ever worked on time or on budget?
Let alone one that was being developed from scratch in under six months. Just think of Matt Hancock’s hapless test-and-trace app. And don’t get her started on the universal credit IT system. All this was water off a duck’s back to the Govester. The IT system would work because he had personally blessed it with holy water. The government had committed itself to a “build, build, build” programme and it was going to start by building at least 40 lorry parks at various ports around the UK. And he could give his word there was no danger of a lorry park being constructed near Dover. Because it was actually being built just down the road at Ashford. The Scottish National party merely thanked Gove for having advanced the cause of Scottish independence with a programme that was guaranteed to make life more expensive and difficult for everyone, while Labour’s Hilary Benn, Wes Streeting and Barry Sheerman tried to press him for more details. Were the lorry parks for lorries exiting the country or for those coming in? Or both? Was the Govester aware the economy had taken a massive hit during the coronavirus pandemic or was he hell-bent on doubling down on the financial hit? Words tumbled out of Gove’s mouth but none that constituted an answer to any of these questions. It’s still a mystery as to whether his polite insincerity is innate or an act of deliberate passive aggression. The more he tried to persuade MPs that everything being more of a waste of time and money was what he had meant by “taking back control”, the more plaintive some of the Tories became. Even they can see Classic Dom’s Brexit planning is an accident waiting to happen. Andrew Mitchell wanted to know if his doggy would still be able to come on holiday with him to France. “Of course,” said the Govester. Just so long as the pooch didn’t mind travelling alone four months later as that’s how long it would now take to clear quarantine. Julian Smith was almost in tears. Couldn’t we just turn back time and get a frictionless deal? Gove smiled indulgently. He had always been the man to put the R into fiction. Saddest of all was Damian Green, the Tory MP for Ashford, whose constituency would be home to Europe’s largest lorry park. Was there nothing that could be done to make it a bit smaller, or better still locate it elsewhere? Poor Damian. He has yet to realise that it was for the honour of having the “no deal” lorry park that many of his constituents had voted for him at the last general election. Come December, the penny may eventually drop.