Welcome to the old days. Not so different from the new days. Even though prime minister’s questions by and large took a break from partygate and retreated to the more familiar ground of the economy, the song was still pretty much the same. There were confected cheers from a handful of Tory MPs desperate to sound like several dozen, all of whom will happily stab Boris Johnson in the back whenever they think his time is up. And with Tobias Ellwood, Anthony Mangnall and Gary Streeter having submitted letters to of no confidence to the 1922 Committee on Wednesday, that time is getting ever nearer. Then there is the prime minister. Still living in his post-truth multiverse where there are as many different versions of reality as are required to get through from one day to the next. A man to whom honesty and decency are complete strangers. A man who lies because … because he always has. A man without morality who thinks nothing of breaking any promise he has ever made. A man who has proved time and again that, just when you think he’s gone as low as he can get, he can always find ways to go lower yet. Keir Starmer knew better than to ask the Suspect for an apology for the Jimmy Savile lie he had told about him during Monday’s statement on Sue Gray. Rather he chose to remind the Conservatives they had been the party of Winston Churchill and that they now had a leader whose source material was the propaganda of violent fascist groups. Many Tories had the grace to wince at that – three Conservative select committee chairs had publicly asked Johnson to say sorry – but Big Dog just smirked, ran his hands through the toddler haircut and bobbed around in his seat. And when he got the chance, he doubled down on his claims that the Labour leader had protected one of the UK’s most notorious paedophiles. I guess he thinks it’s both funny and clever. At the start of proceedings, the Speaker had reminded everyone of the need to maintain parliamentary standards. Everyone but the Suspect appeared to have taken it onboard. He degrades everything with which he comes in contact. His cabinet colleagues look more tawdry with every day that passes without them having the self-worth to call out their leader’s behaviour. Then again Johnson has never cared about how many people he takes down with him. The Labour leader went on to challenge Boris over the cost of living. Under the Tories, the UK had become a low-growth and high-tax economy. As ever, Johnson blustered and invented some lies. The UK was the fastest-growing economy in the G7. It isn’t. Over the last three months for which there are figures, the UK ranks only fifth in the G7. Taxes weren’t going up. (They were.) There were more people in work than before the pandemic. (There weren’t.) You get the picture. This stuff gets so tiring to hear week in, week out. It’s a wonder if Johnson actually understands anything beyond his own survival. And that’s mere instinct. He certainly doesn’t think before he speaks. He ended by mumbling about freeports. He’s still under the impression they are some kind of Brexit spinoff. Starmer did observe that Johnson was going to have to do a bit better when he was interviewed under police caution. He’s not wrong. The Scottish National party leader, Ian Blackford, was determined to have yet another go at seeing if he could get Johnson to fess up. Though first he made a point about saying he was going to follow parliamentary guidelines and avoid calling the liar a liar. Even when everyone knew the liar was a liar and he would himself have to lie by pretending the liar wasn’t a liar. Big Dog kept his head down and just dismissively waved him away with his paw. “I will comply with the law,” he said. That would be a first. So don’t hold your breath.
“I’m in it to serve my country,” the Suspect insisted. Another lie, of course. Though he could have meant serve as in fuck up. But just imagine the terrifying implications were it to be true. That Boris genuinely thought he was doing us all a favour by being prime minister. That what we needed was a narcissist who was a joke on the world stage. Both the Americans and the Russians have been taking the piss out of Johnson for his inability to tell the truth about parties and the Ukrainians were so underwhelmed by his visit that none of its media could be bothered to direct a single question towards him. The rest of PMQs rather petered out as the Suspect tried to curry favour with Tory backbenchers for whom he had no respect but now happened to need. Chris Loder was told there would be a new railway timetable for West Dorset this month. Which would be nice if there was a train line in West Dorset. Henry Smith was congratulated for his suggestion there should be a minister for telling everyone what the benefits of Brexit were. Very much a part-time job, presumably, as there are next to none. Or maybe we should all just learn to tune in to the rapture. Big Dog also declared that he was enormously sad his former press secretary Allegra Stratton had resigned. Which was odd. Because before he had been forced to admit that he had been to the parties he had said he was furious with her for joking about the parties. Some might have appreciated the irony that Stratton is the only person to have resigned from No 10 and she didn’t even go to one of the parties. You can’t have that level of decency in Johnson’s Tory party.