It’s Conservative conference time again, which means listening to multiple politicians make cringe speeches while jostling for position; fringe events that undermine everything going on in the main hall; and, this year, the probable scrapping of a £100bn infrastructure project that directly benefits the city they are in. If HS2 ends up as a train from Old Oak Common to Birmingham, Sunak should pay for it himself, or at least the three-quarters he could afford. Let’s take a look at what has been going on so far in the fiefdom of Andy Burnham.
Tory chairman Greg Hands is so incompetent that he can’t even pull off an attempt at humour. Accusing the Labour leader of “flip-flopping” – which is quite something when your own party has had three leaders in a year – Hands held up a pair of custom-made (wait for it!) flip-flops, branded with Keir Starmer’s face. Except that Hands didn’t hold them the right way around, so actually he was brandishing a message of “flop-flip”, which sounds like a 1970s children’s TV show. If you’re feeling like your life couldn’t get any worse, the flip-flops are available to buy for £16.99.
Nigel Farage here (why? Who knows?*) apparently dressed for a wedding but giving vibes of a man just evicted from the Big Brother house who anticipates cheers, but exits to a chorus of boos. *It’s because he has controlled the party for the past decade.
This is a young chap who – unfathomably, incomprehensibly, incalculably – wants a selfie with Grant Shapps. Sorry, I meant wants a selfie with Michael Green. Or … is it Sebastian Fox? Wait, sorry – this is embarrassing – I think it might be Corinne Stockheath. Argh, maybe it’s Richard Warton? It’s difficult to keep track with Shapps. I used to feel bad about how often our current defence secretary (!) gets sent out to do the media rounds, but at least he is able to split the workload between four different people.
If I were to describe this picture, which is the entire raison d’etre of this piece, I would say it looks a bit like that lady is putting the finishing touches to a Madame Tussauds waxwork. Obviously this is Jeremy Hunt, so it would be a waxwork that would prove hugely unpopular and be melted down three months later to make, I don’t know, a Kardashian butt. There would be nothing left except for a little puddle of good manners, hypocrisy and whatever lapel badge he was sporting that week.
In further Hunt news, I’m intrigued by the snapper who decided to zoom in on the chancellor’s hands, and wondering whether this was a direct homage to one of the greatest memes of our times. If you know, you know.
(It’s Arthur’s fist, I’m talking about Arthur’s fist).
Don’t ask me why Michael Gove is trapped in a submarine but he is. Be grateful for small mercies.
I appreciate it’s not great to be all “yas queen” about a Tory government member but unfortunately that is where we find ourselves with Penny Mordaunt. When Mordaunt “broke out” at King Charles’s coronation, during which she held a massive sword for hours while wearing a bespoke gown, I was secretly pleased. I have been a Mordaunt fan for a while – before she went mainstream, when she was still playing small pubs in rural towns. Anyway, here she is arriving at conference in her brocaded skirt, cape shoulder-robing glory. Did I mention she once owned eight cats? Quite simply a legend.
I once took a swig from a can of Red Bull which turned out to have been used as an ash tray, and I honestly think I would rather drink that again over this latte with Rishi Sunak’s face in it. I can’t believe at one point we thought that Sunak was a grownup who would be capable of buying trousers the correct length and, as chancellor at the time, know how to use a contactless debit card. Instead, our latest prime minister has shown himself to be the intellectual equivalent of alcohol-free beer. Also, he’s never able to smile properly. Every time he smiles, it looks like when you hold a grin too long because you don’t realise your mum is trying to take a video.
Here is Suella Braverman, attempting to look like a normal human, despite being so effortlessly villainous she makes Lord Voldemort, Norman Bates, Nurse Ratched and Darth Vader look like the Teletubbies. Braverman, whose surname might suggest the subject of a local news story who rescues a puppy trapped on the surface of a frozen lake as a crowd watches on, is in fact one of the most cowardly politicians of our age. She is a woman who is so perennially threatened by seemingly anyone else that time and time again she goes out of her way to make their lives more difficult and mere existence unbearable. Including forcing these lads to play foosball for a photo op.
Pretending to be fine about being dragged to Tory party conference was the worst moment of this dog’s life …
… until that.
The Tory conference slogan this year is “long-term decisions for a brighter future”, which is confusing, because every single policy announced recently is a blatant, screamingly obvious attempt to create culture-war dividing lines for an election that will almost certainly take place in four months’ time. Dedicated to rolling back all green measures in a climate emergency that will see everyone’s kids barely surviving regular infernos only to be swept away in a rancid flood? That’s just forward planning, babe! See you next year. Possibly.