Name: Matt Hancock. Age: 43. Appearance: James Bond’s hapless uncle. Oh no, is he spying now as well? No, worse. He’s been pictured emerging dripping from a lake like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, if the 007 actor was allergic to sunshine and trapped in London on a freezing January day. This is because he went swimming in the Serpentine in Hyde Park this week, isn’t it? Bingo. It’s the newest stage of his public rehabilitation tour, after he resigned from his job in June. Remind me why that was again. It’s because he was caught on CCTV smooching with his mistress in a manner that breached social distancing regulations. Apparently, it seems, the best way to bounce back from a sex scandal is to be photographed in public with your top off. Who knew? So he’s rehabilitated? Not at all. Hilariously, the swim seems to have only made things worse for him. How? How do you think? He’s a Conservative MP in 2022. He’s in trouble for allegedly breaking the rules. Of course. The problem seems to be that Matt Hancock failed to acquire the proper accreditation before hurling himself into the Serpentine. And this in turn irked the Serpentine swimming club, which quickly posted a tweet reading: “Serpentine swimming is strictly for members only, and no guests permitted.”
They’re worried about the public. That’s right. The general public has done an incredible job of obeying the rules by simply not hurling themselves into a lake willy-nilly like a pitiful ghost whenever they felt like it. Now that a member of the ruling class has done it, it has made a mockery of their sacrifice. God, the number of lakes I could have thrown myself in for a cheap photo opportunity lately. Me too. But we resisted the urge for the common good. This is nothing less than a scandal. Has he apologised at least? Of course not. Through a spokesperson, Hancock stated that he had been on a run, and was “invited in for an impromptu swim by enthusiastic club members”. Right. But no guests are permitted apparently. Exactly. It’s a terrible excuse. How can he ever recover from this? My big fear is that he’ll go on another comeback tour and make more of those “man on the street” videos he’s so fond of, where he walks around Suffolk, while locals fruitlessly attempt to console him. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Yes, we have all suffered enough already. Do say: “Matt Hancock breached social distancing laws, cheated on his wife, handed out PPE contracts without publishing details, rode maskless in a chauffeur-driven car and may now have broken swimming regulations.” Don’t say: “Still not the least trustworthy Conservative MP, though. Weird.”