January Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to announce that the government’s ‘sensible and cautious approach’ of letting people do exactly what they liked over New Year’s Eve has paid off as Covid cases have declined to zero. The newly knighted Sir Chris Whitty later admits this may be due to there being no LFTs or PCR tests available to determine whether people are ill or not. All hospitals are now officially full. Jonathan Van-Tam refuses to take part in any further Downing Street press conferences until he too is also knighted. Prince Andrew takes up residence in the Ecuadorian embassy after the Queen kicks him out of Windsor Castle. Lord Geidt announces that the Downing Street refurb was far too complicated to investigate properly so he is going to exonerate everyone because he doesn’t want to upset anyone. Johnson immediately invites him to take over the investigation into the Downing Street parties.
February The coldest spell since the last coldest spell grips the country. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to say that no one could possibly have predicted extreme bad weather in February and urges everyone to wrap up warm. Mainly because no one can afford to keep their central heating on as fuel bills have quadrupled in the last six months. Johnson insists that no one could have possibly predicted that gas prices would rise so rapidly, despite everyone having done just that. The worst floods since the last worst floods devastate many towns and villages as the weather turns milder. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to put a sandbag in the wrong place. March Coronavirus cases reach their highest recorded figure yet. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to claim that the government is a victim of its own success. With LFTs and PCRs once again available, people have been testing themselves too frequently. To bring the numbers down, everyone will now only be entitled to take one test every three weeks. Sajid Javid, the health secretary, describes this as a masterstroke. Patrick Vallance, now Lord Vallance after also having a hissy fit over Chris Whitty’s knighthood, suggests that everyone needs a fourth jab to manage the ongoing pandemic. Steve Baker, Mark Francois and Julia Hartley-Brewer set up an online petition calling for an end to the nanny state of vaccine passports. It is time for the weak and vulnerable to stop being so selfish. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to say he would never dream of implementing another booster programme. April
With tax rises coming into effect and inflation now running at close to 6%, most people have never felt quite so broke. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to declare that he knows how badly the country is hurting as he is struggling to pay for seven or eight children and that the Labour government of 1977 is to blame for the current crisis. Carrie Johnson announces that she and Boris are expecting twins late on in the year. Dilyn the Dog makes history by becoming the first mutt ever to officially request he be taken away from his current owners and be rehoused elsewhere. Boris Johnson opens a new door, to replace one that was broken, at St George’s hospital and declares the government has now delivered on its promise to build 40 new hospitals. He also announces yet another booster vaccination programme. May Much to his surprise, as he has spent the past few weeks campaigning against perfectly sensible public health measures, Sir Graham Brady, chair or the 1922 Committee, discovers that he has been sitting on the necessary 54 letters to trigger a leadership election for at least two months. Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to declare he intends to prorogue parliament and that the leadership challenge is all a cunning plot by EU member states to discredit the UK. Keir Starmer points out Boris has managed to do all that on his own. Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss briefly suspend their leadership election campaigns that have been running all year to pay tribute to Johnson’s immense contribution to screwing up the country and making their lives so much easier. Lord Geidt hints that he may soon be ready to publish his report on parties in Downing Street. June To everyone’s amazement, Matt Hancock nominates himself a second time for Tory leader, saying it is time for a proper “Sex God” to be running the country. He releases two publicity photos, one of him in a black roll-neck sweater and the other of him stripped to the waist. “It’s time to turn the country back on” is his catchy slogan. Rishi Sunak takes on a punishing series of Q&As in his trademark sliders, insisting that it had been an entirely different Dishi Rishi who had been the chancellor responsible for hiking the tax take to its highest levels since the 1940s. July
The Tory leadership election comes down to a two-horse race between Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss, after Michael Gove yet again fails to get any support from his fellow MPs. Proving that they do have a sense of humour after all, the Tory party chooses Truss to be the new prime minister. Her first speech outside Downing Street, in which she promises to level up the driveways of peers and Tory donors, has to be delayed after it is revealed that Boris Johnson is refusing to leave No 10 on the grounds that he doesn’t have anywhere to go. Friendly billionaires are unwilling to let Boris and Carrie stay in their private villas now they are all washed up, and it is the unfortunate Lord Brownlow who is again strong-armed into helping the couple find a room in a refuge centre. Lord Geidt gives his strongest hint yet that he is almost ready to publish his report.
August Twitter crashes for a couple of days as news leaks that the fourth series of Succession will be filmed in real real time. Not pretend real time, like 24. Any mistakes just become part of the script. Jeremy Strong is said to have been doing intensive method preparation for Kendall’s 10-minute lavatory break, which is set to be the pivotal moment of episode four. Brian Cox’s lines have been reduced to a minimalist “Fuck the lot of you, you fucking fucks.” Cricket writers herald a golden dawn for English Test cricket after Joe Root and Jos Buttler put together a 50-run partnership, England’s highest stand for more than three years. Root goes on to make a cultured 37, before playing at a ball he could easily leave and being caught at slip, an innings some older cricket supporters compare to Len Hutton in his prime. September Boris Johnson comes out of hiding to announce that he has been deselected by his constituency and is now broke. “I have been morally bankrupt for years,” he sobs, “but now I am also financially bankrupt. Even Lord Brownlow won’t lend me a tenner.” HarperCollins have cancelled his delayed biography of Shakespeare on the grounds they have just realised Johnson doesn’t have anything to say about him that you couldn’t find in Wikipedia. And none of the usual agencies that specialise in $250K-a-pop after-dinner speaking for ex-prime ministers and failed heads of states have been able to get Boris any gigs, as everyone has already heard all the gags and are bored of the lies. Even the Daily Telegraph won’t give him his columns back as the editor has belatedly realised he always writes the same thing over and over again. Charles Moore calls it “a national tragedy that Britain’s finest ever leader since Owen Paterson has been deserted in his time of need”, before going hunting for the rest of the day. October At the Tory party conference, Liz Truss insists that from now on she be called “Gloriana, Empress of the United Kingdom and all her Colonies.” Rishi Sunak announces that enough is enough. The tax take is too high for even someone with a wife with a billionaire father to get by on, so he is leaving politics and going back to Goldman Sachs to offshore more of his loot. Truss barely bothers to hide her lack of disappointment and says she will be taking over his job. As she never got round to replacing either herself at the Foreign Office or Priti Patel, whom she sacked as home secretary, this is the first time the four great offices of state have been held by the same person. Opinion polls also show Truss to be now even less popular than Johnson had been. She responds by banning anyone – not just civil servants – from using the word “Brexit”. It is now to be replaced by “The Great Success”, as UK trade with the EU and the rest of the world tumbles to an all-time low. November Liz Truss says that nothing is going to stop the UK having the best Christmas ever. A day later the World Health Organization reports the existence of the Pi coronavirus variant, which is four times as transmissible as Omicron. Lord Vallance and Sir Chris Whitty suggest an immediate fifth booster vaccine programme and a circuit-breaker. Truss conducts a solo press conference from a golden throne in which she insists that the British DNA is now resistant to Covid and that the England football team will still be going to Qatar to play in the World Cup. The first 1,000-page volume of Dominic Cummings’s memoir, Why I was Right about Everything, covering the first seven years of his life, becomes the first book to be remaindered within a week of publication. December With the Pi variant now seemingly out of control, Liz Truss waits until three days before Christmas before imposing a lockdown. No one is too bothered as they had already cancelled their arrangements on the grounds they didn’t trust the government to come to a sensible decision. Piers Corbyn, Toby Young and three-quarters of the Tory party write an open letter to the Daily Telegraph saying they alone understand the science and calling for someone to do something clinically insane. Despite the entire team getting Covid, England win the World Cup by default as no other country bothers to turn up to the tournament. Truss proclaims them all to be heroes. Sir Chris Whitty rounds off a perfect year by winning Strictly Come Dancing – his salsa is a sensation – and is elevated to a peerage. Lord Vallance and Sir Jonathan Van-Tam are gutted. Lord Geidt says he is nearly, nearly ready to publish his report. A Farewell to Calm by John Crace is published by Guardian Faber, price £9.99. To support the Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply