When the going gets tough … Rishi Sunak has never been the type of politician to duck a challenge. One of the phrases he repeats most often is that he chooses to do things “not because they are easy but because they are hard”. So on Tuesday morning the prime minister put himself through his hardest ordeal yet: ITV’s This Morning sofa. First, though, he was invited to try some fried chicken and tomato pasta that had been knocked up by the TV chef. Rish! grinned awkwardly and tried to look like a man at home with spontaneity. Rather, he just seemed like the random work experience teenager who had mistakenly walked on set. Or the producer’s son who had bunked off school for the day with a sore throat. The presenters Rylan Clark and Rochelle Humes quickly took control, escorting Sunak over to the sofa in the ad break and giving him a cushion to sit on. “Right,” said Rylan, flashing his brilliant white teeth. “Thank you for coming on. Let’s get on with the interview because I’ve got some enormously tough questions for you. First off, Northern Ireland. Have the DUP backed down or is the UK going to stay aligned with EU law? And is the £3bn basically just a bribe?” Rish! looked dazzled. Panic-struck, even. Rylan broke out into a laugh and patted the prime minister affectionately on the knee. “Just kidding!” What he really wanted to know was how Sunak’s fast had gone. Not too bad, the prime minister said, though he wasn’t as disciplined as he would like to be. So he did have the odd nut? “Oh, yes,” laughed Rish!. The cabinet was full of them. Boom, boom. Then we moved on to vaping. It was very important to stop kids vaping. But he didn’t want to put adults off trying to stop smoking. There was a balance to be struck. Rylan and Rochelle nodded attentively. This was cutting-edge TV.
It could be hard to get an appointment to see a GP, Rylan observed. “That’s why we’ve made it easier to see a pharmacist,” said Sunak. Rather missing the point. “My mother was a pharmacist.” Really? Who knew? “From tomorrow you can see a pharmacist for seven common conditions.” Like the sort of things people already go to see a pharmacist for because they know they won’t be able to see a doctor. Rochelle chipped in. Most people didn’t want to go to see a pharmacist if they had cancer or needed a knee replacement. A waste of everyone’s time. “My dad was a GP,” said Sunak. As if that somehow made him a medical expert. Then he backtracked. He wasn’t saying people had to see a pharmacist. Just that they could if they wanted to. There was always their GP if they could get an appointment. We were back where we started. “We want to improve telephony,” Rish! insisted. The problem wasn’t that there weren’t enough GPs. It was that most surgeries didn’t have the right phone lines. What was needed was more systems that allowed artificial intelligence to inform patients they were unable to see a doctor that day. Press 1 to be told there is a two-month delay for an ultrasound, press 2 to be told that a locum will ring you sometime in the next week. And press 3 if you are happy to die while waiting. Rylan wondered why the government didn’t just offer doctors more cash. Wouldn’t that be the best way of bringing down waiting lists? Absolutely not, said Sunak. He’d already been quite generous enough. Most doctors were already far too rich. Didn’t know they were born. Now was the time to think of the really destitute. The government ministers who were on the breadline earning £118,000. Would no one take pity on them? Just then, ITV ran a banner across the screen. “Call 0845 600 600 and get through to George Freeman’s JustGiving page. A donation of just £200 could buy George dinner for two at his favourite Mayfair restaurant. Remember, an MP isn’t just for Christmas”. Rylan and Rochelle collapsed into tears. Broken people. After a lengthy pause to gather themselves, Rylan brought up the Nottingham killings. The families of the victims were calling for a public inquiry. Rish! shook his head. It had all been a terrible tragedy but he wasn’t at all sure who could authorise such action. When he found out who was running the country, he’d make sure to ask him. Same with knife crime. This was also terrible. But he had no idea who the government had been that had cut youth services.
That just left the election. People would be feeling so much richer after his tax cuts. Providing they didn’t look at their council tax or hadn’t been dragged into new tax bands. Or had made the mistake of buying any food. Or had read the latest IMF report suggesting the UK economy was in poor shape. “There’s a brighter future round the corner,” Sunak said. There was. And it’s that this interview was coming to an end. There was just time for a George Freeman update. Thanks to the generosity of ITV viewers, more than £5m had been raised. Enough to keep George alive for another month. It hadn’t just been a few hundred thousand people who had forgotten to switch over who had watched this groundbreaking interview. It was also the Evil Plotters. Trying to work out when might be the best time to make their move. “Brilliant news,” said Kemi Badenoch. “Our top-secret group is still a complete secret. Nobody knows anything about us. Nor must they ever find out. For no one must ever think that I am anything but completely loyal to Rish!” “My thoughts entirely,” said the posh, oleaginous Alex Burghart. “Because I went on TV last week to tell the great unwashed how well the government was doing. I would hate anyone to think I was two-faced.” “Luckily no one knows who we are,” chipped in Julia Lopez and Rachel Maclean. “So Rishi will still think we are completely trustworthy. Gosh! Imagine what he might say if he knew what we were really like.” “Hello everyone.” It was the Govester. “Er … It looks like there’s been a leak. I’m afraid I’m going to have to act like I don’t know anyone. Sorry to be a treach. But then you can’t say you weren’t warned. I’ve stabbed everyone else in then back, so why should you lot be an exception.” “Am I in this group?” asked Dougie Smith. “Probably,” said Kemi. “You’re in almost every other one. Though I think you are in with Suella and ‘The Really Evil Plotters’.” “That’s me,” squeaked Will Dry. “It’s your bedtime,” drawled Nadine Dorries. “It’s all coming to pass as I predicted in my book. The Plot to get Kemi into No 10 via coming out of the EU to getting back in, via Cameron … Boris, I really love you …” “Pissed again,” said Kemi. “Just give it a rest. You know what? I’m not even sure I want to be leader of a party with you halfwits in it.”