On the day Christopher Geidt issued his findings on the refurbishment of the Downing Street flat, John Crace imagines the key exchanges that didn’t make it into the report … From the prime minister to David Brownlow, 29 November 2020 Hi David, Can you get a bend on and give me the cash? The Downing Street flat is a complete tip. Just imagine the state that Theresa May left it in. The kitchen looks like something fitted by Peter Jones. I need an answer soonest. Boris From Lord Brownlow to the prime minister, 29 November 2020 Dear prime minister, It would have been nice if you could have used the word “please”. Are you sure the place is really that bad? I’ve checked the price of the wallpaper and it’s £840 a roll, which seems a bit steep. Plus, it’s totally hideous. I don’t mind stumping up but I don’t want to get taken for a ride. Sincerely yours, David From the prime minister to Brownlow, 29 November 2020 Hi David, You seem to have misunderstood your role. The whole point of you is that you do get taken for a ride and in exchange you get a new honour every now and again. You’re already a lord; what more do you want? So can we just get on with it? Carrie has already given Lulu Lytle her instructions and I just need to confirm the money is in place. Not mine, obviously, because I’m struggling to get by on £160,000 a year these days and the alimony payments on the kids are crippling. Besides, I’ve never really paid for anything and I’m not intending to start now I’m prime minister. Boris From Brownlow to the prime minister, 29 November 2020 Dear prime minister, You are quite right. I was forgetting my place. Your taste in soft furnishings is impeccable. I will authorise the payments forthwith. Yours sincerely, David From the prime minister to Brownlow, 29 November 2020 So where’s the money? You said it would come immediately. Can you add on another grand? Dilyn’s just chewed his way through the electrics. From Brownlow to the prime minister, 29 November 2020 Dear prime minister, It will be in your account within the next hour. I am sorry it has taken so long. Yours sincerely, David From the prime minister to Brownlow, 29 November 2020 That’s ideal. Now, you’re sure no one will know that the money has come from you? That may not be such a good look if anyone finds out. Get this right and I promise to think about your idea for a Great Exhibition 2. From Brownlow to the prime minister, 29 November 2020 Dear prime minister, I’m sorry for the delay. No one will ever find out where the money comes from because I am in the process of setting up a blind trust. Once that’s up and running you’ll be in the clear. And thank you so, so much for considering my Great Exhibition plan. It’s been an honour to serve you again. Grovellingly yours, David From the prime minister to Carrie Johnson, 29 November 2020 All sorted. Though I did have to go along with his pathetic Great Exhibition fantasy. Bozza xx From Geidt to the prime minister, 2 December 2021 Dear prime minister, The above WhatsApp exchange has just been passed to me. It completely refutes your previous assurances to me that you had no idea where the money for the unnecessary Downing Street refurbishments came from. Not only does this make you look like a liar, it makes me look like a complete idiot for having exonerated you earlier in the year. Do you have any ideas on how we can resolve the matter in a way that causes least damage to us both? Yours sincerely, Lord Geidt From the prime minister to Geidt, 10 December 2021 Dear Lord Geidt, I am sorry to have taken so long to reply and for putting us both in this awkward situation. I have been going back through my diaries and I think what must have happened is that Dilyn ate my phone so I never passed on the old messages to you. My mistake, old boy. But don’t worry, it will be no big deal. Boris. From Geidt to the prime minister, 10 December 2021 Dear prime minister, Is that really the best you can come up with? No one’s going to fall for that. Please have another think. Yours sincerely, Lord Geidt From the prime minister to Geidt, 19 December 2021 Dear Christopher, We seem to be in this together. So, here’s what happened. I had to change my phone because my mobile number had been posted on Popbitch. And what with all the hassle of transferring data to my new burner, I completely forgot to pass on my earlier message exchanges with Brownlow. From Geidt to the prime minister, 19 December 2021 Dear prime minister, Do you really think that’s any better? Everyone knows that all messages in a WhatsApp chain get transferred on to a new phone. And even if they didn’t, will anyone believe that you just happened to forget that someone had just forked out a six-figure sum to bail you out? It’s all right for you. Everyone knows you’re a liar so they won’t expect any more from you. But I’ve got a reputation to protect. Any suggestions? Yours sincerely, Lord Geidt From the prime minister to Geidt, 5 January 2022 Dear Christopher, I really think you are making a fuss about nothing. Donnez-moi un break. From Geidt to the prime minister, 5 January 2022 Dear prime minister, So here’s what’s going to happen. I’m obviously not going to find you in breach of the ministerial code even though you obviously are. Us chaps have got to stick together after all. But I am going to have to severely reprimand you and make it clear I have grave doubts about your evidence but have elected to take your word. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m writing this shit. Everyone knows not to believe a word you say. And in return – preferably after you’ve brushed your toddler haircut – you’re going to say you humbly and sincerely apologise. Yours sincerely, Lord Geidt From the prime minister to Geidt, 5 January 2022 Top stuff, Christopher. Any chance you could take over the investigation into the Downing Street parties? I’ve got Sue Gray breathing down my neck.