Police violence against women holding a peaceful vigil about violence against women was never going to be a great look. So it was inevitable that the home secretary would be obliged to give a statement to MPs about the events on Clapham Common last Saturday after a serving officer was charged with the murder of Sarah Everard. And it was just as inevitable that Priti Patel would navigate the entire session without giving much away about what she and the Metropolitan police commissioner had discussed in the run-up to the vigil. Though, despite drawing attention to her Saturday night tweet of the “upsetting footage”, she did manage to convey the impression that she couldn’t quite see what all the fuss was about. The vigil had been banned beforehand and the police were just doing their best to implement the coronavirus restrictions. That aside, this was one of Patel’s better – a low bar, I know – performances in the Commons chamber. Better in that she was by-and-large coherent even if she didn’t have much to say. She, like all MPs, began by offering her sincere condolences to Everard’s family and friends before going on to say she had set up an inquiry into the policing of Saturday’s event and that she would wait for its report in a couple of weeks’ time before commenting further. Instead, she drew attention to the domestic abuse bill that is due to become law next month and would offer greater protection for women. In reply, the shadow home secretary, Nick Thomas-Symonds, agreed with much of what Patel had said about the need for society – and men in particular – to change so that women felt safe out on the streets at night. Where he took issue with her was on the details of the policing of the vigil. Something had gone chronically wrong, he said, for it to end in violence, adding that the crime bill, that was due to receive its second reading later the same evening, would only make things worse by banning protests. In its 296 pages, there were eight references to attacks on statues that carried a maximum sentence of 10 years, while rape cases started with a minimum sentence of five years. “The right to protest is a fundamental liberty,” Patel insisted. Just so long as it wasn’t done in a way that was noisy or annoying to her. From now on, any protest must be done in a whisper – preferably between 11 and 11.15 in the morning – and only be on government-approved topics. Such as the colour scheme of the new £2.6m Downing Street media suite. Were the blue walls just a bit too bright? Were four union jacks behind the podium quite enough? Should the person who designed the logo so that Downing Street reads “Dow Reet” get a life sentence? Should the Henry Hoover be replaced with a Dyson in recognition of the inventor’s important contribution to Brexit? And had No 10 spent too much of lockdown watching repeats of The West Wing? Patel did find time to suggest she found it curious that Labour could complain about the low rate of rape convictions while voting against a bill that would increase the minimum tariff for the crime. She has yet to understand that you have to vote for a bill as a whole and don’t get to cherrypick the bits you like. Baby steps and all that, though she did imply to Yvette Cooper that she was minded to follow up the chair of the home affairs select committee’s recommendation for a register of serial stalkers. Otherwise, the home secretary did her best to deflect accusations – from her own benches as well as the opposition – that the police response had been heavy-handed, lacking in empathy and disproportionate. She had been in discussions with the Met on the Friday and Saturday before the event, she admitted, though it had completely slipped her mind just what those conversations had been about. Everything had been fine for eight hours or so at the vigil, Tory Fay Jones added helpfully, and then a peaceful event had been hijacked by militants with “All Cops Are Bastards” placards. Yes, that was exactly it, Priti Vacant agreed, before remembering that she had been urging everyone not to prejudge the findings of the inquiry she had called. Conservative Charles Walker wasn’t having this. MPs were to blame, he said. They had criminalised freedom of protest and were up to their neck in it. Now was the time to lift all the coronavirus restrictions so that people were free to do whatever they liked. Patel wasn’t the only one to look startled by this intervention. It’s not often that she isn’t the most bat-shit crazy person in the room.