Finally. This is the end, beautiful friend. The end. Well, let’s hope so. For now at least. In the absence of the government doing any actual governing, we’ve been forced to endure the tedium of a drawn out Tory leadership contest. A niche psychodrama for the 160,000 people allowed to vote. One with very little actual drama as we’ve all known who was going to win from the moment MPs reduced the candidates down to the final two. Given a choice of a halfwit with half an idea and a flatlining ideologue with no actual ideas, the Conservative members were always going to vote for the most hopeless. There’s even less to Liz Truss than meets the eye. But all mediocre things have to come to an end and the six weeks of hustings finally limped to a close in London. Not that anyone cared. It was possible I was the only one watching. It certainly felt like it. There was not even a hint of celebration about the proceedings. No sense of excitement at a new beginning. Rather just the relief at the absence of chronic pain. Still, at least it’s not as if there’s been anything much going on more important than the leadership contest. Like a cost of living and energy price crisis. Or a war in Europe. Then the last few months might look very much like a dereliction of duty. As it is, this government is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch, it’d be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now ’istory! It’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off ’is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-GOVERNMENT!! Take the prime minister. Please. Anywhere. You’d have thought that Boris Johnson might have wanted to use his last two months in office to shore up what was left of his already tattered reputation. But no. His main achievement was to make sure he could use up most of his holiday allowance. Though most people would be asking “holiday from what” as it’s not as if the Criminal has done much to be proud of. Then there’s the chancellor of the exchequer. The creme de la creme of futility. Which is quite the achievement: there’s been tough competition for the most useless cabinet member. But Nadhim Zahawi has been on a mission not just to do nothing but to be actively seen to have done nothing. So every week he has been sure to let everyone know that he hasn’t done anything. Now he’s even nipped off to the US to let them know he isn’t doing anything Over at Wembley, Gyles Brandreth was trying to warm up the crowd for the last hustings. But even the permanently chipper smooth talker couldn’t generate much enthusiasm. Though he did say he loved the Tory party for what it had done to the country. Mmm. Not sure the country feels the same way. Then we got the deathly dull Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove trying to explain why they were backing Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak respectively. IDS merely put himself to sleep while the Govester looked washed out, as if on the comedown from a cocaine binge. He especially wanted to thank Johnson. For having been so corrupt that even the Tories had had enough of him.
Then came the two main players. Both were in their comfort zones having been there and done it many times before. There isn’t a question they haven’t been asked and they have shtick off pat. Well, almost off pat in Radon Liz’s case. She still sounds surprised if she makes it to the end of a coherent sentence. As well she might. She is an intellect and charisma free zone. She mumbled about her grinding middle-class poverty, the UK being an “aspiration nation” and continued to activate the culture wars before she was asked by LBC’s Nick Ferrari to explain what she was doing. It wasn’t fair to call the government a “zombie government”, Radon Liz insisted. Because that implied the government had been asleep while doing nothing. In fact, it had been very much awake while doing nothing. There was a big difference between actively choosing to do bugger all. That was us told. And she would go and visit Ukraine. Probably during the Labour party conference. Ready for Rish! was slightly more chilled than on previous outings. He seemed less brittle and was less willing to openly criticise his opponent. Perhaps he knows the game is up and has relaxed a little. Playing the long game of waiting for Truss to screw up and trying to pick up the pieces in a couple of years time. Or just head to the hills with his billions. Mind you, despite all the practice he’s still none the wiser why inflation spiralled to record levels while he was chancellor. What cheers were on offer all seemed to be headed Rish!’s way. Some reward for his slightly greater competence. But not enough. All the polls suggest that Radon Liz is a certainty to become the new Tory leader on Monday. What on earth have the rest of us done to deserve her?