Why make friends, when it’s so much easier to make enemies? Kemi Badenoch’s default mode of interaction is always to be patronising and condescending. She can’t help herself. It’s a narcissistic variant. She is unable to imagine herself as anything other than always right about everything. Even when she has been forced to change her mind. So, in her mind, anyone who disagrees with her or dares to even question her is automatically branded as stupid. Hardly worth her time bothering with them. The problem for the business and trade secretary is that she isn’t nearly as bright as she thinks she is. If she were, she would never have allowed herself to get in such a mess over the retained EU law bill in the first place. After all, it was obvious to even the dimmest halfwit that removing every piece of EU law from the statute book by the end of this year was going to be a disaster. A reckless bonfire of every bit of legislation could have cost business billions. But for a long while, Badenoch and her supporters in the European Research Group – and not forgetting Rishi Sunak himself, who made it part of his leadership manifesto – clung to the idea that wrecking the economy was a symbol of national pride. A Brexit bonus worth the cost. The right of the country to self-harm couldn’t be passed up. Thankfully, Kemi has come to terms with reality before it is too late. Though congratulations aren’t exactly in order. Being marginally less braindead than the likes of William Cash, Mark Francois and Jacob Rees-Mogg is hardly something to celebrate. Just a sign of some slight movement on the EEG. Rather, she’s done the bare minimum to be considered even vaguely credible in her job. And buried in her subconscious, even someone as defended as her is aware of her shortcomings. That’s why she had to be dragged to the house to answer an urgent question, rather than make a formal ministerial statement. Lindsay Hoyle was furious. How dare she make up policy in the pages of the Daily Telegraph without informing the House of Commons first? “Whatever,” yawned Badenoch. “Soz if there were a few sequencing problems.” Now the speaker raced up through the gears to full on ape-shit. Did she know who she was speaking to? Kemi smirked. Speak to the hand. Hoyle was confusing her with someone who gave a fuck. She had just made her first enemy of the day. Not that she cared. She knew exactly who and what the speaker was.
If Hoyle wants to be taken more seriously, he is sooner or later going to have to make good on one of his threats. If he was actually to throw an MP out for persistent bad behaviour, then the Commons might clean up its act. Right now, he’s too much of a people pleaser. Everyone knows there’s no comeback. It wasn’t long before she made her second enemy. After an opening statement in which she said she was pleased to come to the Commons – clue: she wasn’t – and that she’d only so far identified 600 pieces of EU law that could be canned by the end of the year so the rest would happen at some undefined time in the future maybe never, Bill Cash took her to task. Why had she refused to appear before his European scrutiny committee three times? And why was she allowing no interrogation of her new amendment in the Commons. You’d have thought Badenoch may have wanted to keep the hopeless Cash at least vaguely onside. After all, like many not very self-aware politicians, she still retains ambitions to become leader of the Conservatives at some point in the future. And she had been the darling of every rightwing nut job during the previous – or the previous but one, it’s so hard to keep up – leadership contest. The ERG had loved her. Because she was saying out loud the terrifying nonsense they were only muttering to one another. Badenoch was the candidate who could be guaranteed to reduce the Conservative majority at any election. Turn the Tories into a fringe party. Instead, though, Kemi just treated dear old Bill with the same contempt and lack of interest that everyone else does. She hadn’t appeared before his committee because she couldn’t see the point. It was just a procedural cul-de-sac. Not worth her time when she didn’t have anything she wanted to say to it. She might come at some later time. Though don’t hold your breath. His people could talk to her people. And he should just quieten down. Nothing had changed in regard to retained EU law. Just a different approach. Everything had changed. Shares in Kemi for next leader had nose-dived. From there on it was just scattergun condescension from Badenoch across both sides of the house. Based on nothing more than her arrogance. Labour’s Justin Madders had merely said the business secretary’s newly minted pragmatism was better late than never and that he was still concerned about workers’ rights. Kemi brushed him aside. He was too thick to understand anything. Stella Creasy? She, too, was stupid. Just for asking parliament to have a say. The SNP? Idiots. It was just as well this sort of thing wasn’t left to the Scots as they were all morons. How to make friends and influence people. But the main objects of Badenoch’s contempt were the Brexiters on her own side. All of whom cried betrayal. The Blob, the trade unions, the remainers. They had all won. The only good EU law was a dead one. There was something tragic – pathetic even – watching the death throes of the ERG. They had brought the country to its knees and they were still blaming anyone but themselves. No sense of responsibility. No sense of shame. Kemi made no effort to meet them halfway. Only a few months ago, she had been on their side. Her short-term memory shot to pieces. We even got a first sighting of Dominic Raab on the backbenches. He wondered if it was all because the civil service had been dragging its heels. If it was, he could bully them out of it. And if she wanted anyone killed, then he was in the market. A grand a wet job. He had time to spare and he wanted to keep his hand in. Kemi nodded. She would bear that in mind. With that, it was time for Kemi to go. There was finally no one left to insult.