It can’t be long before Matt Hancock’s lucky pink tie springs to life and crawls away in shame. The tie and Matt have been an inseparable double act for several months now, but there’s only so much humiliation even a strip of polyester can take. Matt, though, appears immune to his own hubris. Rather, he wears it as a badge of honour. A sign of his indispensability to a regime that increasingly resembles that of a failed state, lurching hopelessly from one screw up to the next. Imagine the neediness – the lack of any self-worth – in that level of ambition. We’ve long passed the point where one member of the cabinet knows what another is doing. Left hand, meet right hand. On Friday we had Boris Johnson, having previously insisted that face masks were for wimps, saying that he thought it might be a good idea for people to wear them in shops. Though he stopped short of making it compulsory. On Sunday Michael Gove openly contradicted the prime minister and said it was down to the British public to use their old-fashioned “common sense”. By Monday, even the justice secretary, Robert Buckland, was hopelessly confused and declared that face masks should definitely maybe possibly be worn. All this took place against a background of months – if not years – of research into the spread of coronavirus in other countries, that indicated masks were an effective way of reducing the risk of infection in public places. Though apparently not in the UK. So it was almost an inevitability that come Tuesday, the government would be forced into yet another embarrassing U-turn and that the person to take the hit of making a statement in the Commons would be the health secretary himself. Hancock began on the offensive. The government had a remarkable record in its handling of the pandemic. Remarkable as in taking almost every key decision far too late and winding up with one of the world’s highest mortality rates. Infection rates were coming down and as long as we could all conveniently forget the recent report from the Academy of Medical Sciences that predicted a possible 120,000 deaths in a second wave in the winter, then we could all have a jolly couple of months while the lockdown was being eased. Oh, and by the way, Matt had now decided that masks in shops were a good idea after all. Though not such a good idea that they would be introduced immediately. Far better to wait another 10 days for that as the government had top level intelligence that the coronavirus had declared an amnesty and wouldn’t be infecting anyone before 24 July. Which will come as a huge relief to shop workers who have a mortality risk 60-75% higher than the rest of the general population. After 24 July, there would be a £100 fine for refuseniks: before then just a possible death penalty. Up till now, the shadow health secretary, John Ashworth, has tended to give Mattbeth the benefit of the doubt and tried to offer constructive criticism in his replies to ministerial statements. But this time enough was enough. How was it that the government consistently managed to make such a balls-up of all its messaging? It had been obvious from the start that face masks in shops were a good idea, so why the delay in implementing them? And while he was about it, perhaps Hancock might like to clear up the advice on work? Because the current government position was that it was a good idea to work both at home and in the office. Perhaps everyone could split the difference and do their work on public transport instead? Matt wasn’t at all happy at being talked to like this by Ashworth. He can take any amount of shaming from his cabinet colleagues, but he can’t face a reality check from the opposition and his reply was decidedly tetchy. No one would have done better than him. Which was true. No one would have been as good an option. There wasn’t much more to be said about masks in shops – no point in rubbing it in – so most Labour MPs chose to enquire about the failures of the track and tracing system. Which only made Hancock grumpier still. The Tory MPs mostly seemed to be under instructions to not mention the masks, though Desmond Swayne thought the whole idea of shopping in a face covering to be “a monstrous imposition”. Presumably it’s an Englishman’s right to spread germs wherever he pleases. Another Conservative, James Davies, also broke ranks – “don’t mention the war!” – by asking if masks should now be introduced in bars and restaurants. “No,” said Matt firmly, thereby ensuring he will be back in the Commons within a matter of days to make masks in bars and restaurants compulsory. The only plus side for Hancock was that he wasn’t the only cabinet minister having a bad day, as Oliver Dowden had earlier had to perform a U-turn on the government’s decision taken in January to allow Huawei to build the UK’s 5G network. Oliver isn’t the brightest – he makes Mattbeth look positively quick-witted – and he looked understandably miserable throughout. But then he was being asked to talk pure bollocks. It was fine to allow Huawei access till 2027 as the Chinese had given a written undertaking they definitely wouldn’t be doing any spying in the next seven years. And it had absolutely been the right thing for the government to give the go-ahead in January and then to change its mind now. No contradiction whatsoever. And certainly no pressure from the US over future trade deals. It had all been yet another calculated act to make the UK look as weak and indecisive as possible. The one thing at which the government currently excels.