On Monday, a senior Tory said the party’s current campaign was “the worst in my lifetime”. Which, unless that senior Tory is under seven years old, really means something – because it takes in Theresa May’s Darwin award-winning effort in 2017. One thing on which Labour and the Conservatives might agree is that this has been a deliberately and relentlessly negative Tory campaign, with the overwhelming majority of messaging and campaign ads targeted as attack lines. And with that, a warm welcome back to Sir Sleepy! Sir Sleepy made his debut back in May, shortly after the election had been called, when an anonymous Tory aide suggested Keir Starmer lacked the stamina to campaign. Like many, I assumed Sir Sleepy would be the first in a family of seven attack lines which would also include Sir Dopey, Sir Grumpy, Sir Bashful, Sir Sneezy, Sir Happy and Sir Doc. Yet, somewhat ironically, the Sir Sleepy attack line then lay dormant after failing to take, being rudely reawakened only on Monday night in response to Starmer saying Friday night dinner was dedicated family time. “I haven’t finished by 6pm, ever,” retorted Rishi Sunak. (On the plus side, he may well be completely done in time for Spain-Germany this Friday.) The Sir part of Sir Sleepy is, presumably, a dig at Starmer for having been given a title. Please remember this in the wake of the election when we meet Sir James Forsyth and Sir Isaac Levido, the prime ministerial advisers who have been operating heavy party machinery when apparently feeling very sleepy indeed. Next up in our attack line roundup is the red piggy bank motif. The red piggy bank has served as an attack dog – an attack hog, if you will – designed to reinforce the message that Labour will leave you poorer. Cycling through the attack ads, though, it is never quite clear which red piggy bank is going to show up. Sometimes the piggy bank is cast as a villain, a giant malevolent presence looming behind the glass walls of the office of the “trade union equality officer”.
But at other times it is a poor, defenceless little piggy bank, caught in a sharp-toothed Labour tax trap.
Performance-wise, I never really know what I’m getting. If I were the red piggy bank’s agent, I would say it needs to find a clear screen persona and stick to it. This is something Grant Shapps eventually did, of course, having previously appeared as Michael Green, Sebastian Fox, and Corinne Stockheath. In fact, it was Grant who was responsible for another Conservative attack line: “Don’t give Labour a supermajority.” The meticulous planning of the prime minister’s campaign is perhaps epitomised by this particular one. A “supermajority” is a) not a thing in British politics, b) just a random line Shappsy chucked out in passing, and c) now arguably the central and therefore presumably most effective plank of attack on Labour. Quite a journey when you consider that amazingly – like Rebekah Vardy bringing her court case against Coleen Rooney – this is an election Rishi Sunak called himself. Things Labour will do with a supermajority include: leave the UK without electricity, flatten the greenbelt, and cuff our coppers (no idea). They’re also going to reverse Brexit, apparently – though with new polling showing a majority of Britons now believe leaving the EU was a mistake and has delivered few benefits, this possibly ought to be filed under “threatening the voters with a good time”.
Moving on, we were informed that voting for Starmer’s party will “lock in Labour for a generation”. And yet, will it? It feels right to put the Conservative strategists’ minds at rest by pointing out that during this notional generation, there will be multiple and frequent opportunities for voters to simply vote for someone else. Opportunities which – spoiler alert – they will sooner or later take. This form of government is known as democracy. Next we have “Labour’s £2,000 tax rise”. This is the one where Sunak said “independent Treasury officials” said Labour’s policies amounted to £2,000 tax rise for everyone. Independent Treasury officials quickly wrote to say they didn’t actually say that. The attack was arguably further deadened by the fact that under the Conservatives, the tax burden has grown to its highest level in 70 years. Current poll positions suggest that either it failed to land, or we’re in “voters willing to pay £2,000 if it means Conservatives will go away” territory. By the way, Labour also want to abolish the monarchy. Yup, it has, quite frankly, been a rip-roaring election for the phrase “[citation needed]”. Furthermore, only one party breached royal protocol by featuring a picture of the king in a political ad. Naturally, I shan’t insult you by saying which. Nor will I offer you that other thing British voters are warned not to give Keir Starmer, a “blank cheque” – a phrase not hugely meaningful to anyone under the age of 40. Do not “surrender” your family to Labour, waving your big blank cheque like a white flag. Also, “don’t risk our food security”. That last one was – I think? – something to do with inheritance tax on farms. But it seemingly faded away midway through the campaign. They tried it as a position, but it didn’t get anywhere so they tried something else. Tell you who else is a flip-flopper: Keir Starmer! He backed Jeremy Corbyn, another Conservative attack line repeatedly sought to remind us, and this one seemed to make more headway than many of the others, judging by sceptical public questions to Starmer in debates and phone-ins. See also the issue of protecting single-sex spaces. Ronald Reagan famously said, “If you’re explaining, you’re losing,” and we might add that if you’re constantly saying “my position is clear on this”, then your position isn’t clear on this. What else? Oh, plenty. From national Ulez zones, to Labour preparing to leave Britain without military defences, to Sadiq Khan wanting to divide Britain (the London mayor is not, incidentally, standing in this election). Also: “Illegal migrants are waiting for a Starmer victory”. But why are they waiting? It’s not like they’ve been backward in coming forward – or rather, backward in coming across. The styling suggests that in Calais, there is a queue of people wishing to make small boat crossings who are waiting for 5 July. Labour, in contrast, have stuck religiously to a very few simple attack lines, alongside their positive-adjacent message of “change”: 14 years of Tory chaos, Liz Truss made your poorer, and don’t wake up to five more years of this. Come Friday, this will surely be proved a much more sensible idea than throwing 37 different negative things at the wall each week and seeing what, if anything, stuck [citation needed].