Rishi Sunak: Good morning, Mr President. Joe Biden: Er … good morning … er … I’m sorry, who are you? Sunak: It’s… Biden: No, don’t tell me … It’s on the tip of my tongue. I’m sure I recognise you. I never forget a face. You’re that guy who bought me that coffee in Belfast when I was over in Ireland. Sunak: That’s right, your excellency. We also met in San Diego and Hiroshima Biden: Are you stalking me? Sunak: No. I’m just a bit needy. We have a special relationship, remember? Biden: Do we? News to me … No. It’s no good. You’ll have to jog my memory. Sunak: I’m the prime minister of the United Kingdom … Biden: Of course you are. Good to see you again, Rashi Sanook. Sunak: It’s Rishi. Rishi Sunak. Biden: Whatever. So what brings you over to Washington? Sunak: I’m not sure really. A combination of things. Nothing’s going well at home. My polls are rubbish, I can’t do anything about inflation, hospital waiting lists are up, you know the kind of thing … Biden: Not really. Sunak: Anyway, I just fancied a break. Plus I had loads of free air miles after my brilliant ‘Take Your Helicopter to Work’ scheme. And I wanted to catch a ball game. Go, Nationals! High five! Biden: Glad, you’re having a nice time. Sunak: So, what have you been up to since I last saw you, your highness? Biden: Not a lot … Just a $1tn infrastructure act, fixing a two-year debt ceiling deal, fighting off the Republican crazies and a host of other minor stuff … Sunak: Gosh! Biden: So how about you? What have you been doing? Sunak: I’ve been rushed off my feet … I don’t really know where to start, but here goes. First and foremost, I have been working on my five priorities. To halve inflation, grow the economy- Biden: Sure. But what have you actually been doing? Sunak: As I said, I have been working on my five priorities for the British people which I have promised to deliver on. Let me tell you what my five priorities are. They are the five priorities on which I want the British people to judge me- Biden: So, you haven’t really been doing that much. Sunak: As I said, my five priorities- Biden: But what else? Sunak: Apart from my five priorities? Well, let me see … I’m taking the Covid inquiry my government set up to court because it keeps asking for information that I want to keep secret. And I’m just about to OK Boris Johnson’s honours list. Biden: So a disgraced prime minister still gets to do the honours? Sunak: Sure. Biden: You Brits crack me up. What else shall we talk about? Sunak: How about a US-UK trade deal? Back in 2016 I and the Vote Leave team promised that an improved trade deal would be a Brexit bonus. Biden: No. Sunak: What do you mean, ‘no’? Biden: I mean it’s not happening. There is no trade deal to be had any time soon. The UK is just not that big a deal for us since you left the EU. Sunak: Not even a little deal? We’ll take the chlorinated chicken … Biden: No. Not a chance. Maybe in five or 10 years. If then. Sunak: OK. I get the message. But can we at least say that we agreed not to talk about a trade deal? Or maybe we could just sign something vague and meaningless. Biden: If you like … Sunak: It would look good for my end-of-visit communique to the British media. Make it look like we had in fact talked about a trade deal a bit. Even though we haven’t. By the way, have I told you about my five priorities? Biden: I don’t have a lot of time, is there anything else you want to say? Sunak: There is. I want to talk about artificial intelligence. Biden: What about it? Sunak: That I’m very worried about it. Apart from AI that is obviously beneficial. Did I mention my five priorities? Biden: Sounds like you could do with an AI upgrade yourself. Unless you really are a halfwit. But what are you suggesting? Sunak: Well, seeing as I’m a world leader in AI … Biden: Since when? You had scarcely mentioned it until a few AI experts raised their concerns a few weeks ago. Sunak: But I am the expert! I had read something about it on my MBA at Stanford. Did you know I had an MBA from the States? Biden: You may have mentioned it before … Sunak: So here’s the thing. Because I know more about AI than anyone else and also have a lot of spare time on my hands, I am proposing the UK takes a leading role in regulating the industry. Biden: But you know that since you left the EU, the UK is no longer a member of the US-EU council that regulates AI-related policies … Sunak: Really? Never mind. What I mostly want is a PR exercise. We won’t actually regulate anything. We’ll just have a conference to talk about regulating AI. It will all be pointless as by the time anything happens, AI will have evolved to take over the world. So we’ll all just meet a few times, have a nice jolly and then forget about it. But we need the US to come. We’ll pay your air fares and hotels. It’s just that without you no one else will come. So please say you will. Biden: If we must … Sunak: Just a couple more things: Ukraine. Can we agree that we are both still committed? Biden: You didn’t need to come to Washington for that… Sunak: And, my green card … Is there any chance it can be renewed? I might need it again in a year or so. Biden: Is that the time? Must be getting on.