Things you thought you’d never see. Hoped even. There are several possible cartoon personas Rishi Sunak might adopt. Lord Snooty, perhaps. Though perhaps Jacob Rees-Mogg has already bagged that one. Certainly the swot head boy. The archetypal snitch. Cuthbert Cringeworthy. But never in your wildest dreams would you have him down as the anti-establishment Dennis the Menace. Yet that is precisely who Rish! appears to now model himself on. Early on in his exchanges with the Labour leader at prime minister’s questions, Sunak described Keir Starmer as Sir Softy. Clearly modelled on Walter the Softy, Dennis’s arch nemesis. The butt of all his gags. So presumably that makes Suella Braverman or Dominic Raab Gnasher the Dog. Though Gnasher was a great deal more likeable than either of them. But really? Sunak was clearly delighted with himself. He beamed widely as if he’d said something hysterically funny and thrillingly clever. Several of his staff had been up all night thinking of “Sir Softy”. And Rish! had punched the air when he’d first heard it.
It’s what passes for intelligent thought in No 10 these days. That was sticking it to the Man. Sunak the multimillionaire, uber-privileged man of the people telling the son of the toolmaker where to get off. One day Sunak might come to realise that Starmer had earned his dosh. Within minutes. Sunak had repeated the jibe. Sir Softy, Sir Softy. The Tory benches loved it. So much so that they immediately started tweeting it as if it contained the wisdom of ages. Starmer wasn’t entirely blameless in all this. He too had decided that PMQs is best treated as a noisy school playground by getting personal as well. But it was deeply unedifying. Depressing. If this was democracy in action, then maybe we need a rethink. A long, long way away from Sunak’s promise of “professionalism, accountability and integrity”. But perhaps we’re all just fools to be mugged off as far as the prime minister is concerned. Or maybe he’s just given up and handed himself over to the dark side. No more Mr Nice Guy. Better to fight dirty and stay in the game. Much more of this and voters might run for the hills. If they haven’t already. Starmer had actually started quite well. By keeping it brief and his attack lines sharp. The Tory party chair had recently said that public services were in pretty good shape. How did Sunak think they were going? Rish! immediately looked shifty, rummaging through his red folder for a killer reply. But he couldn’t find anything. Nada. So he just said that everything was great. Anyone who said anything different was a liar.
That was a bit of a turn-up, the Labour leader responded, raising an eyebrow. How come hospital waiting lists were worse than ever, the NHS was in crisis, rapists were going unpunished, phone calls to the police went unanswered and the government was unable to stop refugees arriving in small boats. He could also have mentioned that inflation had remained stubbornly over 10%. Not that the government halving it will be quite the feelgood moment Sunak imagines. It’s not as if prices will start coming down. They just won’t go up by so much. A tub of Lurpak will still be unaffordable for many people. Food banks won’t be going out of business anytime soon. This was the moment Sunak chose to go low. “Sir Softy” he sneered. Quickly followed up by “lefty lawyer”. The prime minister has yet to realise that the law is just the law. It is neither left nor right. All lawyers seek to do is interpret it. What followed was nothing short of a shambles. The speaker, Lindsay Hoyle, showed that he is unable to maintain order. An ineffectual headteacher who has lost control of his school. Continually making threats on which he never delivers. And everyone knows he won’t, so they just ignore him. Shouting and jeering. Starmer went personal. First calling out Sunak for being chilled on law and order, then Raab for being more interested in saving his job than doing it. Psycho looked almost teary. As if he knows the damning facts will be laid bare in the report into alleged bullying of staff that’s due any day. That it’s asking a lot of the prime minister to conclude that 24 people were all making stuff up. Dom might need some quiet time. Just him and his punchbag. And the bodies bobbing gently in the Thames outside his office window. The final exchanges were just pitiful. Sir Softy – only a few weeks ago he had been Dick Dastardly – and Cuthbert Cringeworthy. Two damp, dank sponges soaking up third-rate insults and attacks. No one any the wiser as they clashed over who had sent more people to prison. Who could lock up crims the longest. As if the only thing wrong with the justice system was that people weren’t getting banged up for life for drunk and disorderly. Not that offenders weren’t being caught or that the courts and prisons were at breaking point. You’d have hoped that both Starmer and Sunak would have known better. But both seem to imagine that getting lairy in the playground is the only way to win the local elections. It was a blessing when Hoyle brought proceedings to a close. Though not for Chris Philp, the neediest MP in Westminster. The only person to take Matt Hancock as a role model. His desperation makes the skin crawl. He makes Tom in Succession look positively self-assured. It was Philp’s misfortune to be forced to answer an urgent question on Chinese police stations in the UK. Something he clearly knew nothing about. “Um, I’ll have to ask the security minister about this,” he said repeatedly, looking across to his staff for inspiration. “It really should be him answering this UQ but he’s in Northern Ireland.” Of course he was. Tom Tugendhat had never been so thrilled to be awol. The know-nothing shtick quickly grew thin. He couldn’t imagine how a Tory donor could have set up his own illegal police station for the Chinese state. One of the downsides of not having an imagination. Philp soldiered on. He would be consulting the “law enforcement community”. He said that twice. Almost as if he was talking about someone security-curious. He was a disaster. That goes without saying. But much more fun than Sunak and Starmer had been 45 minutes earlier.