And the winner is … Absolutely everyone. It was the morning after the night before and – slowly, slowly – the leaders of all political parties began to emerge from their bunkers to face the media. And what a tale they had to tell. They had had time to reflect on the results of the three byelections and – amazingly – had all concluded that things had panned out just as they had hoped. Better even. Everyone was on course to win the next general election in 2024 and everyone else was facing an electoral wipeout. Rishi Sunak was first to show his face in a cafe. “This is an historic day for the Conservatives,” he said. “And also for me. By holding – where am I? This part of London all looks the same to me – Oh, yes, Uxbridge and South Ruislip, I have avoided becoming the first prime minister since Harold Wilson to lose three byelections on the same night. So by only losing two safe seats, I have shown I am on course to win a general election. “The voters of Uxbridge and South Ruislip have sent out a clear message to the country. That a Tory government can crash the economy and fail to deliver on all of its five promises and still get re-elected. I am proud to lead a party that is doing next to nothing about the cost of living crisis and is happy to manage an NHS in terminal decline. What Uxbridge and this country wants is more inflation and for most homes to get repossessed. And we are the party to deliver that. “I would also like to pay tribute to Boris Johnson. As the serving MP who never visited the constituency he commanded total loyalty. Uxbridge valued a former prime minister who could be relied on never to tell the truth. And I hope that in, um, whoever it is, that the Tories have found a new MP who is also guaranteed to lie through his teeth. All he needs to do is mumble on about Hillingdon hospital being one of the 40 to be rebuilt, which it obviously won’t be, and he’ll be a chip off the old block.” Sunak was then asked about the results in Selby and Ainsty and Somerton and Frome. “These are both seats I’d never expected or even wanted to win,” he said. “It was always going to be extremely tough to hold Selby. Ultra safe seats with a majority of more than 20,000 are notoriously unpredictable. All it needs is for two Tories to think about switching their vote and suddenly you’ve got the whole town doing it. “The result also shows what happens when the party in power has consistently done things badly. Oh hang on, I’m getting a call from Greg Hands. What is it? Oh, I see. Apparently I was meant to say that about Uxbridge. But in conclusion, losing Selby shows we are on track. Obviously we have a lot more to do, but only by losing can we hope to regain the seat sometime in the next 20 years. “As for Somerton and Frome, I take full responsibility. I wanted to give voters a chance to elect a candidate who would take the job seriously and represent them in Westminster. I realise now that was a big mistake. I should have remembered that Tory voters in the West Country like a Tory MP who takes cocaine and likes to party. I’ll remember to make the next candidate the last person standing at the next Conservative fundraiser.”
Next to face the cameras was Keir Starmer. For some reason his appearance in Uxbridge was inexplicably cancelled and switched to Selby. “This is an historic day for the Labour party,” he said. “The day when we get a second Keir in Westminster. Though not as good as the first one, obviously. That’s me by the way. Selby is the sort of place I never imagined us winning where we need to win if we are to win the next election. I look forward to taking the voters for granted every bit as much as the Tories did. “I am also immensely encouraged by our failure to win Uxbridge. For too long, Labour has been seen as the party of the liberal metropolitan elite. This result proves we have broadened our appeal and can also lose in our heartlands. Even when we’re fighting in a constituency whose previous incumbent was the second worst prime minister ever. “A word on the campaign. I am proud of the way we fought. It would have been all too easy to have said that the Ulez charge was a Tory creation which was forced on Sadiq Khan by Grant Shapps when he was transport secretary. But that’s not who we, as Labour, are. We are much more half-witted than that. So we just said nothing about Ulez and hoped nobody would notice. But never mind. There’s always next time. Hopefully everyone affected by Ulez will have calmed down by the general election.” Down in Frome, Lib Dem leader Ed Davey was dreaming up another feeble stunt. “We are kicking down the door,” he said, while kicking at a door that was already open. “I’d like to congratulate our fantastic candidate, Sarah Dyke. She embodies the essence of the constituency. What voters from this part of the world want is someone with almost no understanding of any of the local problems. And in Sarah, we have an MP who can listen to local concerns and then forget about them entirely. The Lib Dems are now on course to win up to 25 seats and form the next government. Sorry? What other byelections? I didn’t realise there was more than one.” Carla Denyer, co-leader of the Green party, was cock-a-hoop. “Our 893 votes in Uxbridge made all the difference. Without us, Labour would have sneaked home. So I am delighted to say that the Green party has effectively made sure that none of the main parties will in future campaign on green issues. Going backwards is a massive step forward. Still, by 2030 there might not be much of the planet left anyway.” That just left Laurence Fox, leader of the Reclaim party to talk to himself on GB News. “You’re looking at the next prime minister of the United Kingdom,” he said. “Extrapolate my 714 votes nationwide and I’m heading for a landslide. With Dan Wootton as my deputy, we will make Coutts bank accounts available to everyone. Whether they want one or not.” Moments later, Fox was seen being led out of the studios by two psychiatric nurses. What a day to be alive. Depraved New World by John Crace (Guardian Faber, £16.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.